This was the first entry in my original recipe page that wasn't vegetarian.  But you know what?  More people need to learn how to cook turkeys correctly.  Also how to prepare food so that you can eat before midnight.

Here's a bit of background.  I used to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner every year for 40 people.  I had a little bit of help, but not much.  In this way, I learned to become efficient at cooking for large numbers of people.   I also learned a lot about what other people thought about doing a Thanksgiving dinner.  The fact is, it shouldn't be so complicated that it leaves you stranded alone in the kitchen for 10 hours.  Do it my way and you'll not only be eating by 3:00 p.m., but you'll also get to watch football without guilt.

If this makes life better for next Thanksgiving, I think I'll feel vindicated.

How to Make a Turkey

For this recipe, you will need:

• A defrosted turkey.  12-20 pounds, depending on the size of your crowd.  They say 1 pound per person, but then you won't have any left for turkey sandwiches, now, will you?
• A covered roasting pan, big enough to hold the turkey with extra room left over.  I mean it.  (Um, this rack should also be small enough to fit in your oven)
• A roasting rack to fit inside the pan and hold the turkey.
• Salt, pepper, garlic, paprika.
• Olive oil
• Diced vegetables:  Onions, Celery, Carrots.  Whatever vegetable flavors you eventually want in your gravy.
• Water.

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. I mean it.
2. Clean the turkey, inside and out.  It's a good precaution.
3. Rub the outside of the turkey with olive oil.  Give it a massage.  Go ahead.  It feels good.
4. Sprinkle the turkey, inside and out, with salt.  Salt on the inside helps it cook faster.
5. Sprinkle the outside with pepper, garlic, and paprika.
6. Put the rack in the pan and the turkey, bottom down, on the rack.
• UH, EXCUSE ME, BUT DID I SAY TO STUFF THIS TURKEY?  NO.  GET YOUR DAMNED STUFFING OUT OF HERE OR I'LL SLAP YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD.
7. Ahem.  Put your veggies in the pan.
8. Add 2 inches of water to the pan.
9. Cover the pan with a real lid.  None of this aluminum foil crap.
10. Put it in your nicely pre-heated 450 degree oven.
11. Now forget about it.  Go prepare some side dishes.  Watch some football.  Do not under any circumstances get curious about the turkey.
• If it's 12 pounds or under, you can get curious after about 1 1/2 hours.
• If it's 12-15 pounds, you can get curious after 2 hours.
• If it's closer to 20 pounds, keep watching the game for 2 1/2 hours.
12. OK.  When your "ok to be curious" time comes, go look at your turkey.  Did the popper pop?  If no, put the lid back on and leave it for another 1/2 hour.  If yes, take the lid off and let it brown for 15 minutes.
13. Take the turkey out, remove it carefully to a carving board, and let it sit for an hour before carving.
14. You're ready to put your side dishes in the oven now (that is, while it's sitting).  See recipes below.  (The gravy recipe is with the side dishes)

Side dishes are, I swear, what get people.  I put most of my sides in the oven near the end anyway, so it's OK to prepare them in advance.  But if you insist on doing everything on the same day, prepare in this order:  cider, potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, other veggies, gravy.

Mulled Cider

This is a favorite among my friends.  People rave about it.  For this recipe you will need:

• 2 gallons of apple cider
• 2 granny smith apples
• whole cloves
• cinnamon sticks
• whole nutmeg
• a large pot

1. Pour all of the cider into the pot.
2. Clove the apples.  That is, press the cloves into the apples.  There should be at least 10 cloves per apple, but I go closer to 20.
3. Push cinnamon sticks into the apples. (They should stick out)
4. Put the apples in the cider
5. Add one whole nutmeg, not ground, to the cider
6. Cook on extremely low heat.  It should take about as long as the turkey takes to cook to spice correctly, but you can keep it on low for hours, so you'll even have some for dessert.

I leave the skin on but you don't have to.  I think you'll like it.  For this recipe, you will need:

• 5 pounds of potatoes, scrubbed and cut into eighths
• 1 large, sweet onion (or 2 smaller ones)
• 1 stick of butter
• 2T olive oil
• milk
• salt, pepper, garlic powder, paprika
• A large pot for boiling the potatoes
• A colander
• A baking dish
• A potato masher
• A strong arm or a hand-held mixer.

1. Reduce the heat from the turkey cooking to 350 degrees.
2. Put the potatoes in the pot and cover with a lot of water.  If you don't use enough water, you will have burnt potatoes.  Bring to a boil over high heat
3. Boil the potatoes until they are tender.  If you'd eat one the way they are, they're done.
4. While the potatoes are boiling, peel and slice the onions.  You can slice them in 1/2 rings or you can dice them, but the object here is thin.
5. Saute the onions in the olive oil, with a little salt and pepper, until they are clear but not burnt.  Set aside.
6. When the potatoes are done, drain them using the colander and put them back into the pot.
7. Mash the potatoes using the masher.
8. Add the onions and continue mashing.
9. Add the butter and continue mashing.
10. If you've decided to use the strong-arm method, switch to a spoon.  If the mixer, switch to that.
11. Add milk a little at a time and continue mixing until the potatoes are fluffy.
12. Add salt, pepper, and a little garlic, to taste.  (really, too much garlic will blow this recipe) Mix it in well.
13. Remove the potatoes to the baking dish.  Sprinkle with paprika and a little garlic.
14. This will go into the oven when the turkey comes out.  Bake at 350 degrees for 1/2 hour, or until the top is slightly browned.  You might have to leave it in longer if you prepare it ahead of time and refrigerate.

Honestly, it works with both.  I promise. For this recipe you will need:

• 5 sweet potatoes or yams (peeled and cut into medium-sized chunks, or 2 mondo-sized cans of yams
• 1 stick butter
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 cup water, or liquid from the cans.
• a pot for boiling the sweet potatoes (eliminate if using canned)
• a medium sauce pan
• a colander
• 1 granny smith apple, cut in small chunks
• ground cinnamon
• a handful of craisins (dried, sweet cranberries--use raisins if you can't get craisins)
• a large baking dish

1. Put the sweet potatoes in the pot and cover with water.  Boil until tender (skip this if using canned.  duh)
2. Drain the sweet potatoes, mix the apple chunks in with the s. potatoes, and pour the whole thing into a baking dish.
3. In the sauce pan, combine the butter and water (or juice) and stir on medium heat until the butter melts.
4. Add the brown sugar and the sugar and continue stirring on medium heat until it is uniform.
5. Add the craisins or raisins.  Cook on low for a minute.
6. Pour the mixture over the sweet potatoes or yams.
7. Sprinkle with cinnamon.
8. Bake at 350 degrees with the rest of your side dishes, about 1/2 hour.

This stuffing will never see the inside of a bird.  It's delicious though.  For the recipe you will need:

• A bag of stuffing cubes, crumbs, or whatever you want to use.
• 2 cups of broth (chicken or vegetable)
• 1 stick of butter
• 1 apple, peeled, cored, and cut into small pieces
• 2 stalks of celery, diced
• 1 small onion, diced
• 1/2 cup walnuts
• 1/2 cup golden raisins
• large sauce pan
• baking dish for baking

1. Saute the apple, onion, and celery in the butter until the onion is just clear.
2. Add the broth and raisins and bring to a boil.
3. Take off the heat.
4. Now, 1/2 cup at a time, add the stuffing cubes.  After the first 1/2 cup, add the walnuts as well.  Be sure that all of the stuffing is mixed before adding more.
5. When the stuffing gets to the point where it gets really difficult to mix, stop.  You'll probably use about 1/2 the bag.
6. Press the stuffing into a baking dish and bake with everything else, 20-30 minutes at 350.

(Can be made a day in advance, too!)  OK, I cheat here and use canned cranberry sauce.  But you've never had it like this!  For this recipe you will need:

• one can whole berry cranberry sauce
• 1/2 can crushed pineapple in juice
• 1/2 cup walnuts (or more if you like them)

Other Veggies

It's always good to make another vegetable, just for color if nothing else :-).  Here are some suggestions:

• Canned or frozen corn ("we call it maize!"), placed in a baking dish with some butter, sprinkled with paprika and baked
• String beans stir fried in olive oil and fresh garlic, with a bit of salt & pepper
• Canned beets cooked in their canning juice with some sugar to glaze them.

If you made your turkey the way I told you to, you're ready for this recipe.  If you didn't, it's your own damn fault and you're on your own.  For this recipe you will need:

• A 4-qt sauce pan
• 3 T flour
• 3-4 bullion cubes
• salt, pepper, white pepper
• The liquid (drippings) from the turkey pan

1. Try to separate as much of the fat from the rest of your drippings as possible, and strain everything to get rid of skin and vegetables.
2. Combine the flour with a bit of fat skimmed off the top of the drippings.  Combine these over a low heat until it's like a smooth paste.
3. Add the now reduced-fat drippings. Go ahead, add them all.  I know there's a lot.  You've got a big pan.
4. Bring heat to medium.  Stir this a lot from now on or it might burn.
5. Add 3 bullion cubes.  Try to get them crushed in.
6. Add salt, pepper, and a very little bit white pepper to taste.
7. Once it tastes the way you like it, leave it on low heat until ready to eat.

I hope you enjoy these recipes as much as my friends and family do.